ReCamp: X-Men (2000) [UPDATED - MARCH 2015]

Do you know what happens to a movie when it’s struck by Halle Berry?

The state of comic book-based cinema at the turn of the millennium was bleak. Nolan's Dark Knight trilogy was still five years off, and it would be preceded by a relentless geyser of abysmality: Daredevil, Ang Lee's The Hulk, Elektra, Fantastic Four, and so on. Even Spike TV staples Ghost Rider and The Punisher didn't exist yet. All that we had to cling to was the residue of the mid-'90s Joel Schumacher Batman films which, while rife with novelty appeal, were more perplexing than entertaining. But then a beacon of hope appeared on the horizon: 2000’s X-Men.

With Bryan Singer (The Usual Suspects, Apt Pupil) serving as director, X-Men is certifiably okay. It features capable actors portraying decent characters in an appealingly simple plot: In a reality where a fraction of humans are born with extraordinary skills, power-leecher Rogue (Anna Paquin) and indestructible, metal claw-wielding Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) join the X-Men, a secret league of superhumans formed to foster human-mutant diplomacy while combating extremists on either side of that battle. Superficially, it’s a pretty standard superhero flick. What sets it apart from its cinematic peers, though, is how it’s so clearly crafted with love and care. Well, that and its retro camp value, which grows more apparent as the movie ages.

The film begins with a flashback to a concentration camp in 1944 Poland where we witness a young Erik Lehnsherr (better known as Magneto) begin to manifest his metal-bending abilities as his parents are wrenched from his arms and sent off to their certain deaths. The scene is a brutal and sobering, and it serves as a grim reminder of how devastating institutionalized discrimination can be... Fortunately, the rest of the movie never approaches the same level of seriousness, so I don't feel bad making fun of it. Phew! On with the eye lasers and naked blue reptile ladies!

Shifting to modern day Mississippi, another young, Rogue, realizes that her powers have manifested when her first kiss leaves her boyfriend writhing and convulsing on the bed (sounds like a success story to me!). Like any teenage girl would do following such a traumatic event, she hitchhikes to Northern Alberta where she meets Wolverine, a career cage fighter who gets handed a pink slip when his employer discovers that he's more than human. The two new BFFs hit the road, only to face an attempted abduction at the hands of another pair of mutants, Sabretooth and Toad (Tyler Mane and Ray Park). But before anything can happen, Rogue and Wolvie are saved by X-Men members Cyclops and Storm (James Marsden and Halle Berry) and ensconced at the team’s headquarters in upstate New York.

Very natural.

Meanwhile, Dr. Jean Grey (Famke Janssen) is addressing the U.S. senate on the topic of mutant registration, the political platform of conservative Senator Robert Kelly (Bruce Davison). Professor Charles Xavier (Patrick Stewart) and his old friend Magneto (Ian McKellen) watch on, each taking their own stance on the issue: Xavier feels that human-mutant relations can only be nurtured with understanding and open dialogue, while Magneto argues that mutants exist solely to overtake lamey, powerless humans. They're both right AND both wrong, which lends a degree of depth to the film that you won't find in, say, Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (Jessica Alba's masterwork, IMO).

As Wolverine and Rogue begin to settle in at the X-Mansion, we learn that it was established by Xavier as a school and safe haven for mutant youths. (This is a particularly nice touch since, up to this point in the comic book universe, we never saw any actual, full-time students at Xavier's institute – just the X-Men and other teams.) Additionally, we come to understand that Magneto is a super villain now, and that he was the one who sent Toad and Sabretooth to snatch Wolverine and Rogue, AND that Wolverine's adamantium-dipped skeleton and claws are the result of invasive laboratory testing. Okay then!

Speaking of Magneto, after failing to retrieve his two original targets, he sends his other associate, a sensual, slithery shapeshifter named Mystique (Rebecca Romijn) to grab the mutant-phobic Senator Kelly and bring him back to their stunningly generic supervillain lair. There, Magneto reveals his master plan: He has engineered a machine which he’s going to use to mutate the attendees of an upcoming international summit at Ellis Island, and Senator Kelly will be his initial test subject. (Frustratingly little attention is paid to the details of this contraption. Does it turn every human into a different type of mutant or does it give everybody the same power? Is Senator Kelly's ultimate transformation the effect that Magneto was going for all along? Must Ian McKellen make such nightmare-inducingly orgasmic faces during this sequence?)

Thank you, but no.

The X-Men don't get wind of this plan until late in the game, so they rush off to Liberty Island (the location of Magneto’s device) to halt Magneto from carrying out his plan... but not before Mystique infiltrates the X-Mansion and incapacitates a few members of the squad. Do the remaining X-Men win in their battle against the baddies? Or do they come up short? (Probably not, as evidenced by this film’s four sequels/spin-offs.) You’ll just have to watch to find out!

Like I said, X-Men is a solid movie. Stewart, McKellen, and Jackman turn in wonderful performances, and David Hayter’s screenplay will resonate with anyone who knows how it feels to be marginalized or persecuted. There are little glitches here are there, such as the inconsistency in the superhero-iness of the X-Men themselves – sending someone who’s made of metal to brawl with a guy who commands magnetism? – but these moments are fleeting and don’t substantially detract from the quality of the end product.

You may be left asking, then, why  such a high-budget, well-received film might be reviewed on a blog that loves schlocky, late-night film and television? Allow me to explain: First, while Stewart and McKellen may be esteemed, classically-trained actors, the real star of this show is Halle Berry's indeterminate accent. Is it African? Caribbean? Gaelic? I'm sure even Ms. Berry herself couldn't tell you. Storm’s brogue was mercifully dropped in X2, but here it slaps you in the face at every turn.

[muffled]
SCOTT! *faints*

Speaking of Storm, there’s also Halle’s infamous “Do you know what happens to a toad when it’s struck by lightning?” line, which I understand was one of two holdovers from Joss Whedon’s original, rejected X-Men script. (Hilarious that Whedon was booted from this project considering his role in the Marvel cinematic universe these days.) This line is often cited as one of the worst pieces of dialogue in film history, but here’s a tip: If you imagine Sarah Michelle Gellar saying it, as I’m sure Joss did, it’s actually hilarious. Try it!

Although they barely have four lines between the pair of ‘em, Tyler Mane and Ray Park’s sheer presence boosts the tackiness quotient of the flick considerably, seeing as they starred in the two most reviled franchise-ruiners of all time, Rob Zombie's Halloween and Star Wars: Episode I, respectively. Plus James Marsden (disappointingly underused here as well as in the other entries in the series) rounds the kitsch credibility out nicely, since he later proved his darkly comedic chops in cult classics like Sugar & Spice and 30 Rock.

But perhaps the most glaring element of campiness? Mystique. The gratuitous nudity is an invention for the movie –- in the comics, the least you’ll ever see her wear is a skirt. Yeah, Rebecca Romijn is nude for the duration of the film for the sole purpose of ramping up the sex appeal, and it doesn’t get much trashier than that. Also, while I’m sure she’s intended to be perversely sexy to viewers, her intimidating stature, garish appearance, and acrid attitude all scream “drag persona” to me.

Proof that the YouTube people were right and reptilian shapeshifters have always lived among us.

So is X-Men as irresistibly flashy as The Avengers or as gritty and harrowing as The Dark Knight? No. Nope. Not at all. But it’s fun as hell and it has undeniable heart, and its message is as universally relevant as ever: Embrace diversity, utilize your strengths (no matter how strange they may seem) to make a positive impact in the world, and never cast Halle Berry in anything.

My rating: Five out of five Anna Paquin tooth gaps.