It was no surprise when DVD swiftly overtook VHS as the primary medium for home entertainment; discs are lighter, easier to store, and they offer tons of nifty content which would be impossible to include on video cassettes. (Unless you’re like me and you tend to watch the sort of cut-rate, Z-grade DVDs with special features such as “Interactive Menu” and “Korean subtitles.”)
One thing that was lost in the VHS-to-DVD conversion, though, is
the presence of pre-movie commercials. You know, the advertisements that played
after the FBI warning but before the film actually began? Remember those?
Sure, they still technically exist today and, yes, they're
annoying to watch now, but back in the '80s and '90s, they were a humongous
component of the movie-watching experience. When it came to your favorite
videos, you knew those commercials as well as you knew the film itself!
Why is that? Well, I have a few hypotheses: One is that, before
the advent of the DVD player and the chapter skip button, it was much less
convenient to bypass these ads. If you stopped and fast-forwarded, you ran the
risk of overshooting and accidentally finding yourself in the middle of the
film when you hit play. At the same time, fast-forwarding without stopping wasn't
the best idea, either. Not only did it wear away at the tape but it was sort of
annoying – you were still watching the video so you might as well be hearing
it, too.
There's also the fact that the commercials seemed better suited to
their target audience. Nowadays, DVD distribution companies are content to
throw any random advertisements on there ("If you liked My Sister's Keeper, you'll LOVE Jonah Hex") but back then, videos
included recommendations that actually made sense and appealed to the viewers. Of course the
demographic who's watching Scream 3
would also be interested in Halloween: Resurrection.
You just don't see that type of attention to detail anymore.
Any cinephile born before 1990 can probably name at least one movie
they watched with such frequency, such fervor, that the tape eventually broke. And
I’ll bet these same people can also name every commercial that preceded the
tape’s feature presentation. This is why I’ve decided to create a feature I
call the Preview Review in which I pick
a video and discuss its memorable line-up pre-movie commercials.
First up: 1992’s Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze. What a compilation!
We start off with a Burger King Kids Club ad starring some kid who I originally, mistakenly believed to be actor who portrayed “Woim” in the 1994 Little Rascals movie. (A broad, accessible reference, I know.)
Not-Woim orders “one Kids Meal, please” (no burger/chicken tender
specification?), then watches in astonishment as his favorite conspicuously
diverse team of fast food mascots prepare his food. Flying hamburgers!
Anti-gravity soda! Normal fries. What a culinary thrill ride!
With his jaw on the floor I have to wonder, is Not-Woim is surprised
that his order is being processed by animated characters? Or is he taken aback because they're
assembling his burger and fries in the most inconvenient, energy-expending way
possible? Most importantly, are Burger King’s patties vegan-friendly since they’re created using channel changers? Either way, I’d like to pretend that the storyline of this
commercial is the result of Not-Woim finding a stray ecstasy tab on the BK men’s
room floor.
Next, we're treated to a spot for Hulk Hogan's science-fiction family flick Suburban Commando, co-starring Christopher Lloyd and Shelley Duvall.
According to Wikipedia, Danny
DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger turned down this bad boy in favor of making Twins, so you KNOW this is a cinematic
gem.
Suburban
Commando tells the story of I have no clue since the trailer’s narrator never
once shares the premise of the film with us. But judging by the clips we see,
I’m guessing it’s about a kid-friendly space warrior who lifts heavy things and
gets into debates with administrative assistants? I don’t know, I’m at a complete
loss here.
Funnily enough, back in the day, this commercial actually
persuaded me to run out and rent the video and, I'm sad to report, it was
nowhere near as memorable as Hogan’s other, far superior early-'90s family
classic Mr. Nanny. In fact, I really
don’t remember the movie at all, so I
feel comfortable suggesting that watching this trailer on a loop for an hour
and a half is probably far more entertaining than subjecting yourself to 89 minutes of whatever happens in between the parts where Hulk Hogan falls off of
skateboards and the parts where he holds people at knifepoint (uproarious!).
The only genuinely comedic moment comes when a grizzled redneck growls at Hulk, "Do you have any idea what we're gonna do to you?" When Hulk suggests a brawl, grizzled redneck guy exclaims, "What are you, nuts? This is the '90s. We're gonna sue you!"
Classic! Remember the '90s, when people pursued legal action
against other people?! Such a '90s thing!
To bring things to a close we have a trailer for Stepkids, later retitled Big Girls Don't Cry... They Get Even (a strategic marketing ploy clearly intended to trick purchasers of softcore porn).
The spot opens with Hillary Wolf (best/only/barely known as one of
Kevin's sisters from Home Alone)
explaining, "Once upon a time, my mom and dad got married and lived
happily ever after... Yeah, right!" Uh, she’s supposed to be playing a 1991
preteen, yet that sentence isn't punctuated with "NOT!" or "SIKE!"?
Nope, not buying it.
Our protagonist goes on to describe her large, complexly-constructed
family tree (which includes Boy Meets
World's Ben Savage and The Wizard's
Jenny Lewis). Similar to Suburban
Commando, though, this commercial offers no hint as to what the actual plot
of the film is.
“I know what you’re thinking,” Hillary drones, “we’re like the
Brady Bunch from hell,” as if her home life is so profoundly dysfunctional, yet the abuse we witness is limited to her brother shooting her with a ping-pong ball
and her sister becoming grumpy when her phone call is interrupted –- watch out,
Precious.
(Sidenote: I just watched this film the other day and ugh. Perhaps its most egregious offense
is the extremely misleading title; at no point does the Big Girl ever Get Even. I
was expecting deception or humiliation or blowtorches or
SOMETHING. Instead, we’re forced to watch a judgmental brat lying around the
countryside complaining about her family, set to public domain-quality '90s
power ballads. Pass.)
"Did you know that by the year 2000, one out of every three
people will be a member of my family?" she quips at the trailer's end,
expecting us to be impressed by the fact that she has four
siblings. Hah. Nice try, poor-man’s-Clarissa-Explains-It-All, but your familial revenge epic pales in comparison to the timeless Culkin/Danson vehicle Getting Even with Dad.
So those are a few of my top picks. How about you guys? What are
some of your favorite pre-movie commercials?
Bringing it back! This is what I thought of; the pizza hut preview from the original Land Before Time:
ReplyDeletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4065smJLXk